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Making a Tough Decision: Choosing Me
Have you ever been on the other end of a big decision and the contemplation about what to do has or is causing major heartache? Well I would love to share my journey in creating space in my life for me; in hopes that it will inspire some of you to take the leap in full-filling your fullest potential.
Here goes...
Aug. 27, 2018 – What is going on?
I am going through something right now, not sure what it is but I feel lost. I find myself waking up late, and going through my day in a bit of a haze. People look at me and I think they see my life is pretty fantastic. I have a beautiful family, I have a husband with a great income, myself I have built two streams of income that are readily available for me to do in my spare time, I have a beautiful home, nice car. But like I said I am going through something...
What? I keep asking myself, I keep going into this place trying to get clear. I listen to inspiring content, try to do things I enjoy, I do all the things but I am still feeling in a fog. I think it has to do with defining my value. I think I am going through a phase in my life where I am not sure who I am and what my purpose is.
I have “defined” a purpose to the world: inspiring others to live to their full potential. But what does that mean? I enjoy connection; I enjoy bringing people joy and satisfaction! I love when a Neora customer has an incredible result, or when I can inspire a brand partner on my team to go out and get a win. I love celebrating wins, big or small, I love interesting conversations about depth, about life, about big heavy things that make you think.
I have always been intense, always searching for answers, always learning growing, wondering. But this is the crux, this striving for more. When I am not winning in every aspect of my life my Ego is so quick to shut me down. To tell me I am not doing enough, that I am not trying hard enough, that I am not enough.
Then people tell me how great I have it, and I think, "What is wrong with me?" because I question it all.
So what do I do? How do I get myself out of this place and start to see what I really am? Because I do believe deep down that we are all beautiful manifestations of light. I know there is greatness inside us all. I know that striving only leads to wanting more, that emptiness of never living in the moment.
Oct. 3, 2018 – Listen to your Heart!
I am very emotional today writing this post. There is something I want to do, a big thing. Something that has been pulling at my heart strings for a couple years now. It is a life changing, huge time and money commitment course called Breath Practitioner training.
My heart screams yes, my head is not sure. I think as a mom we are so used to putting everyone and everything before our own wants and needs, for me I have always done this. Worried about what everyone else thought, I was the people pleaser, the peacekeeper, and the good girl who always followed the rules.
Those character traits have served me for a long time and given me lots of valuable experiences, but today as I write this post I am calling on the woman deep down who wants to do something for herself.
It doesn't really make sense, our kids are little and busy. Pretty much everyone I tell that I have two kids under 4 says, "Wow that’s the busiest time of your life!" Then there is the financial commitment, and to be honest I don't have the money in my possession. As long as I can remember I have always had money in the bank and paid for what I wanted when I earned the money, thank you dad. But being a mom and stepping into this role that is so very rewarding but so very demanding with no financial gain has been one of the bigger challenges of my life.
I have been praying, meditating, asking for answers. Praying that the amount of money I need for this would just show up out of the blue, that there would be a sign to say, "JUST DO IT!" and there has been things, and there have been decisions that have moved me closer to jumping in, then I snap back to a reality that says, "Maybe this isn't the right time".
Time is another silly thing, taking time away from my family, time away from my already busy schedule. But I want to have it all. I want to grow and I know this is the way, I know that the more I keep putting this off the more I sit here feeling like something is missing.
It is so scary to make decisions that don't make sense to the logical mind, but you heart is screaming for a change. It’s so scary to stand up for what you want and not put everyone else's needs ahead of your own; it’s so scary to ask for help, for support. It’s so scary to have courage to brave a path of the unknown and trust that it will all work out.
But it’s also scary to live a life with regret, to sit on the side lines and not take the chance. It’s scary to stay small and to wonder what if.
So as terrified as I am, as cold and emotion ridden I am, as the tears fall down my cheeks the decision is clear. Follow your heart and take a chance! Follow your heart and trust that everything will work out.
Oct. 21, 2018 – Can I see it another way?
Fast-forward a week... A lot has happened.
I will be honest... I am not great at little decisions so when it comes to big life changing ones that effect everyone around you I am terrible. The decision was whether or not I was going to take a course.
Well it just so happened that my dad dropped over one evening, and I was at my breaking point. He came in for a quick hello and ended up getting WAY more than that! I snapped, I broke down; I cried and told him all the crazy thoughts that had taken my mind hostage. He looked at me and said, "Rikki you need to talk to your husband." And he was right.
I always try to figure things out on my own, I always have. I hate asking for help, I hate showing that I am weak and can't handle things on my own, and I hate feeling helpless. Those are the thoughts that were going on within me!!! It makes my heart break to write those words. Feeling like a victim, stuck, hopeless. But my dad was so right; I am in a relationship with an incredible man. My best friend, a huge supporter in my life, a man whose role is to support me when I am down and visa versa. So I knew it was time, time to have a tough conversation.
So that night when the kids were in bed, I told my husband how I was feeling. Like every fibre in my being wanted to do this course, like it was something I wanted more than anything else, like I felt there was no solution on how to make it work, like things were spinning out of our control and I couldn't breathe anymore wondering what to do next, like I was failing at being a mother, like I was failing at balancing being a mom, running a business, being a nurse, being a wife. I broke down and cried, and yelled, and even swore (something I don't do often), and I gave in.
He heard me. He finally heard me... and it shifted. He gave me a big hug and he told me it was going to be okay. That we would take the steps to start making a plan, that he knew this course was important to me and it would happen. That he had my back and we were in this together.
A weight was lifted. For the first time in two weeks I was at peace. It wasn't perfect but it was a step, a step toward being vulnerable, being honest. And it brought us together. That feeling like we were on the same page allowed me to make the decision that I felt confident about. I would make a plan to save the money and wait to do the training at a later date.
Jan. 11, 2019 – JUST JUMP!
Well that didn’t work. The feeling didn’t go away. The yearning that I had shoved down just kept bubbling up. The emptiness of the stuff, the pushing to make a plan, pushing my husband to go to the bank, pushing to go do my Neora business, pushing to go work a nursing shift. PUSHING!! And then there was a pulling energy, called Lynn (my breath practitioner and owner of Breath Integration Training and Counselling Centre). Gently asking me to participate, to help with Sunday service, and a workshop, and every time I showed up it was a pull, it was a sense of peace and knowing that that was the exact place I was suppose to be in. Then it happened, an experienced breath practitioner flat out said, “What are you doing? Just jump already!” and I knew she was right. All the excuses in the world, the time, the money, the challenges I may face, none of it mattered. It was time for me to claim this!
So I did, I made the decision. Once I decided, things started to FLOW and all these things started to fall in place for me! I felt a total peace deep down inside me telling me that it was all okay. I mean there will still be struggles and I choose this path of up-levelling and diving into deepening my spiritual connection, but I KNOW it is the right decision.
So in closing, those of you out there who keep pushing off that thing you really want, letting your excuses and logical brain hold you back from you biggest dreams and desires, STOP IT!!! Believe that your intuition told you your dream for a reason, that it gave you that deep longing so that you could realize it. You brain, your ego wants to keep you safe. Today is the day you stop playing it safe and make that big decision that allows you to SHINE!!!
Use my courage to help you!! I know you have it in you!!
Sending you all the love and encouragement to find the wisdom and strength to DECIDE! If you have made a big decision in your life recently or are struggling, I would love to hear about it. I believe if you put it out to the universe there is guidance waiting for you, wanting to support you.
Love,
Rikki
* I did this video in the middle of this process. It helped to open me up a bit and get me out of my head. I had a lot of tears and frustration built up. Music is definitely a tool that allows me to feel connected. This song is by Racheal Platten called Grace.
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